Grief and Managing a Return to the Office
As my clients are diving into summer breaks, they are also living with an edge of apprehension about returning to offices, returning to old routines as we go back to “normal” — or, something different. Many of them are responsible for planning for the transition or managing teams that are facing uncertain rules about work as we navigate changing conditions.
Yes, figuring out tactics is important and comforting when we’re faced with uncertainty. It’s easy to quickly move into a mode of “getting it done”. Plowing forward to nail down tactical issues. Even feeling impatient that you can’t just make decisions and move on. After all, you need to take action and make things happen, right? It’s easy to become very skilled at putting your feelings aside.
Grief and moving forward.
In order to facilitate stronger teams and a smoother path forward, becoming better versed in the language of emotions is going to be critical to long-term success. Specifically grief. We don’t really talk about grief much at work. But grief is pretty appropriate for the moment.
Grief occurs when there is an interruption of an expected future and the loss of what could have been or should have been.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five common stages of grief. They include:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
This video from Adult Swim has a wonderful and humorous summary (with some adult language). It’s worth familiarizing yourself with these stages.
Having an awareness of these stages can be incredibly helpful in deciphering a team member who is lashing out with uncharacteristic behavior. It helps to understand what may be happening when a top performer definitely isn’t their old self. Grief can morph over time — and it’s impact on your team will be apparent.
Frequently we consider grief as a very private or personal experience. We hear of someone losing a loved one, and we may reach out or offer a hug or a meal, but then we leave them to their own devices.
At work, we want to show up as our best selves. We want to be seen as successful and independent. Vulnerability feels too painful. Grief is not something publicly talked about or acknowledged much in our society.
However, grieving is a natural and predictable part of many losses — divorce, natural disaster, illness, and job loss.
Often during the hardest time, folks are just trying to get through the next day. Over the past year, we’ve all been racing to manage each new moment. Meals need to be made, meetings are happening, online school, support that used to be available was gone — the emergency at hand required that our emotions take a backseat. So many people move through exhaustion and burnout just keeping their heads above water.
We aren’t processing the loss until later.
So, now we’ve collectively gone through massive loss that may cover multiple bases. Your team may be experiencing loss of family members, loss of family members at a distance during COVID, loss of career opportunities, loss of milestones like graduations or proms for their families, marriages, friendships, vacation plans, all of these things may have eroded or changed.
All of this adds up to emotional debt that will come due.
As a manager, here the things I’d suggest to keep in mind:
- Create your own times to reflect. Take time to look at the bigger picture. Ask yourself: How is the team doing? Where are their concerns? What behaviors am I seeing? What would best serve the team at this time? What do I need in order to be a better leader?
Giving yourself time weekly to step back and look at the big picture helps you navigate the ship and avoid icebergs. - Make room for feelings. Everyone’s experience is going to be different, but acknowledging that there will be emotions associated with this return is important. People may not want to — or be able to — talk openly about emotion at work. But their behavior may signal the truth. Remember that behavior is communication. Listen for the emotions behind the behavior and make room instead of being reactive and defensive. Listen, reflect, respond with care.
- People are going to put their best side forward. Our professional colleagues want to show up as their best selves. After all, you probably manage how they are promoted, bonuses, etc. so being vulnerable may be seen as a big risk. It’s wise to remember that folks may have a lot more going on behind the scenes but might not feel safe to show that at work.
- Share your own experience — there’s an opportunity for you to be transparent and vulnerable about your own experience in the past year. If you can be honest, share some of your experience and emotions you felt over the past year, everyone can feel safer in their own experience. If it wasn’t a particularly difficult time for you, personally, consider yourself lucky and practice empathy.
- Realize it will be a season of transition — you, too, probably want to get things back on the rails in order to produce results for YOUR manager or leads. We have promises we need to deliver on for our organization. Taking the time to set your team up for success is going to include listening, building trust, supporting folks navigating grief, and going slower in order to go fast. Building trust is always worthwhile.
You don’t need to be a therapist but you can be a trusted, empathetic listener. This means, taking time to check in with each person beyond what they are producing. Help balance workload, or give them time to take care, provide air cover. Kindness, and authentic care go a long way towards helping people feel safe. Reiterate any mental health resources available through your company. Support people in finding the professional care they need.
Managers can be worried that slowing down to acknowledge emotion could derail focus. But ignoring emotion and armoring yourself against anyone who may push back on your particular plans or requests may seem like the way to go. But the truth is we’re all navigating this together — and will continue to navigate it — so staying flexible, open, and having a caring response means more than a water-tight plan.
